Mainframe Assembler Humor.

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Successor to z/OS

I B M   D a t a   P r o c e s s i n g   D i v i s i o n

Programming Announcement

New Operating System (5781-WOW)

Due to the fact that so many users have asked for an operating system of even greater capability than VM, IBM announces the Virtual Universe Operating System - OS/VU.

Running under OS/VU, the individual user appears to have not merely a machine of his own, but an entire universe of his own, in which he can set up and take down his own programs, data sets, system networks, personnel, and planetary systems. He need only specify the universe he desires, and the OS/VU system generation program (IEHGOD) does the rest. This program will reside in SYS1.GODLIB. The minimum time for this function is 6 days of activity and 1 day of rest and review. In conjunction with OS/VU, all system utilities have been replaced by one program (IEHPROPHET) which will reside in SYS1.MESSIAH. This program has no parms or control cards as it knows what you want to do when it is executed.

Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of sophistication in the data processing field if an efficient utilization of OS/VU is to be achieved. Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for instance, can lead to unexpected delays in the execution of a job. Although IBM, through its wholly-owned subsidiary, The United States, is working on a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the overhead of extraterrestrial and metadimensional paging, users must be careful for the present to stay within the laws of physics. IBM must charge an additional fee for violations.

OS/VU will run on any IBM x0xx equipped with Extended WARP Feature. Rental is twenty million dollars per cpu/nanosecond.

Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems and hardware to OS/VU as soon as our engineers effect one output that is (conceptually) error-free. This will give us a base to develop an even more powerful operation system, target date 2001, designated " Virtual Reality". OS/VR is planned to enable the user to migrate to totally unreal universes. To aid the user in identifying the difference between "Virtual Reality" and "Real Reality", a file containing a linear arrangement of multisensory total records of successive moments of now will be established. It's name will be SYS1.est.

For more information, contact your IBM Data Processing Representative.


Best of New Opcodes.

The items below were selected from the complete list of proposed new opcodes. You are invited to submit your favorites for inclusion. Please use the e-mail address at the bottom of this page.

Opcodes Some of the Funniest
ABC AlphaBetize Code
ACQT Advance Clock to Quitting Time
AFVC Add Finagle's Variable Constant
AWTT Assemble with Tinker Toys
BBW Branch Both Ways
BLP Boot from Line Printer
BOB Branch On Bug
BOHP Bribe Operator for Higher Priority
BOP Boot OPerator
BPIM Bury Programmer In Manuals
BPL Branch PLease
CCWR Change Color of Write Ring
CF Come From (replaces GOTO)
COM Clear Operator's Mind
CRN Convert to Roman Numerals
CVG Convert to Garbage
DAB Delete All Bugs
DK%WMM Disk Unit - Washing Machine Mode
ED Eject Disk
FS Feign Sleep
GND Guess at Next Digit
HELP Type "No Help Available"
IMBP Insert Mistake and Blame Programmer
KCE Kill Consultant on Error
MBTOL Move Bug To Operator's Lunch
PBPBPBP Place Backup in Plain Brown Paper Bag, Please
PVLC Punch Variable Length Card
RD Rewind Disk
RPM Read Programmer's Mind
RTS Return To Sender
UP Understand Program(mer)
UPCI Update Card In Place
WBT Water Binary Tree



The image below was conceived by Michael Stack, drawn by Jenny Beaven.

Calvin, the Famous Systems Programmer, prepares to LAM a DU-AL
 ALET in
 Primary ASC...


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To Successor to z/OS.
To Best of Proposed New Opcodes.
To the complete List of Proposed New Opcodes.
To Calvin, the Famous Systems Programmer.

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